It was roughly noon on a Thursday afternoon and I was at the bank. I was thinking about Andre Johnson and talking to some male teller about opening a CD (that would accrue roughly $5 over 12 months with a flat .50% interest rate) like the gay, 30-something, Ralph Lauren wearing douche bag I had become.
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I needed help; I needed a hero if I was ever going to make my way out of this and I didn’t even know it. Thanks to Major Bradley, (my heterosexual life partner, muse, and radio husband) I said to hell with this goddamn CD and its inherent responsibility and focused all my attention on his random, unsolicited, Andre Johnson text.
“Here’s a SCIENCE- Even when Andre Johnson wasn’t constantly injured, he never scored many TDs. That’s why a Jordy or Megatron is so valuable. His best season was 2008. 115 catches for 1575 yards and 8 TD.
You know who had 8 TD last season? Plaxico. Plaxico! And Eric Decker, Lance Moore, Dez Bryant, Vincent Jackson. This is why Anquan Boldin is like a 12th round pick now. He doesn’t score.
Why is Andre Johnson constantly rated so well in fantasy when he cant stay on the field and hasn’t ever had a quality Tud season? And, uh, HE’S OUR AGE! Larry Fitz is two years younger, has missed three games in eight seasons and gets you 50-150 yards 14 out of 16 games with a monkey playing QB. That’s not even Cards fan speak. That’s just fact. Johnson is a joke.”
It’s like that 12 month .50% interest rate CD that you’ll make $5 on. Yeah sure, there’s some benefit.
But does the benefit (maybe 8 TDs) outweigh the steep fee you will be paying (hamstring, foot injuries) should you need to tap into that CD early, before the term is up? Not to mention the constant anxiety just worrying about its performance. So fuck that CD and fuck Andre Johnson.
Why even screw with Andre Johnson if you can avoid it? WR is as deep as it has ever been this year.
Instead of overpaying for Johnson early (IE rounds 2-4), wait until the sixth round or so and take DeSean Jackson, Decker, Maclin or Colston- you’re going to get the same production at a cheaper investment.
After I left the bank, I went and donated blood for a cool $40 instant “return on my investment.” I wasn’t addled with stress for 12 months and I didn’t even get blood on my Ralph Lauren dress shirt.
Fuck you CD and fuck you Andre Johnson.
Paul Eide is Co-Managing Editor, Co-Founder of www.sportsdouchebags.com. Check him out on Jacksonville’s 930 AM “The Fox” every Tuesday AM talking fantasy football with former stud Jags LB Tom McManus.
