The story that you are about to read is simply the greatest Tecmo Super Bowl Story Ever Told.
I did not write it. I could only hope to compile such prose in such a manner. Like I did with the time I went to a Tecmo Super Bowl tournament in Lincoln, NE and was forced to lower myself to Tony Eason, but did meet Danny Noonan.
This story, by the formidable “Big Red,” has existed in the Tecmo Super Bowl NES underground for years. (for more on that world visit https://tecmobowl.org/)
The memory of a simpler time. A time where all young dudes playing Tecmo Super Bowl on the NES had conversations with their buddies exactly like this.
Behold: I give you to Big Red and his OFFERING. None of the grammar has been corrected, the Realness maintained.
The VISCERAL REALNESS of Super Tecmo Bowl NES and a time we literally tell our children about this very day…
“This weekend, I won Tecmo with the Seahawks
But not just any ordinary way. I was traveling through Ohio towards the East Coast and eventually stopped in Martinsburg, West Virginia, and it was there that I found a small, cozy house where I could sense a Nintendo was present.
I knocked on the door and was welcomed in by a 40 year old man who was hanging out with two other young men, playing 8-bit Nintendo.
I asked them if I could stay for the evening since I was traveling around, and I told them that I was Big Red.
They let me stay, and I told them that they were very good, and that now they will be rewarded by watching me exhibit full domination at Tecmo Super Bowl.
I ordered the young woman there, the niece of the 40 year old man, to make a visit to the grocery store and purchase 3 cases of Old Milwaukee and a few Stouffer’s frozen pizzas.
Then, I sat down and told the three men to alternate playing against me in a season, as I would be the Seahawks.
I made my restrictions clear: I was not to be allowed to tamper with my playbook, and I was only allowed to run ONE play on offense: The Dave Krieg Play.
This play requires picking a pass play and then rolling out and watching one of your running backs in the flat be tangled with a defender. You take your QB and ram him into said defender and shake him off using the B button, freeing up your running back in the flat to complete a short pass to.
The three guys rotated games and found that I was in full force and could not be stopped. Frustrated, they continued to doctor their playbooks and try different methods to stop James Earl Jones (my meal ticket who I put in place of John L. Williams) from being freed up and making catches.
I was 2-0 by the time that young woman returned from the store, and at that point I shotgunned a beer after every touchdown I scored in game #3.
I strategically inserted Jeff Chadwick for Brian Blades, as Chadwick is a money player when it comes to throwing blocks for my man James Earl Jones. I got to 8-0, halfway point of the season, and in game #9 Krieg finally got injured on a sack. Right as he was carted off the field, the young woman in the kitchen said, “Stouffer’s Pizzas are ready!”
I replied, “So is Kelly Stouffer.”
She brought some Stouffer’s Pizza in for me and I scarfed some down while inserting Kelly Stouffer in the game. He ran the Kreig play as smooth as owl shit, and before I knew it, I was 16-0 and those three dudes were amazed and ready to upset me in the playoffs.
Using Kansas City, the one guy got shutout by me 37-0. After that game, I pounded two beers from a bong and said, “Give me a little break here before the Championship.”
I drank four beers during that break and was completely rip-roaring drunk. I took a blindfold out and put it around my eyes and put the controller on the floor and took my sandles off.
In the AFC Championship, blindfolded and using my toes on the controller I routed the Raiders 45-3. Using ONLY the Dave Kreig Play on offense. I drank about 4 more beers since I had my hands free.
They were about to give up at this point, and in the Super Bowl, I led 27-0 at the half and told them they must sacrifice the niece as a pleasure sacrifice. During the Mighty Bombjack Show, the young woman did a strip tease in front of me and poured more beer down my throat.
During the second half, she sat in my lap facing me. I wrapped my arms around her back and played with the controller behind her back, my face buried between her beefy, tan young breasts, and her bouncing up and down on my lubed-up shaft.
The other two drunk dudes were cheering me on while the 40 year old dude, the uncle of the hot young woman, tried to focus as I groaned and sloshed more beer down my throat and let that hot skank gyrate on my crotch much like Tim McKyer‘s daughter did to me once. This went on until the end of the 4th quarter, and when James Jones waltzed into the endzone to make the final score 47-7, I released my offering and nudged that skank off of me and began shaking up cans of Old Mil and spraying them everywhere in celebration.
Those three dudes gave me great hospitality this weekend, and I enlightened them with my Tecmo domination. I thank them all.”
Editor’s Note: I left any spelling and grammar errors intact. I also have been implicated as the author of this masterpiece by some. Very regrettably, I have to say that that rumor is false.