(Note: I wrote this article in March of 2006. Amazingly, I met and hung out with Ty Pennington at a NASCAR hospitality tent during the 2017 Daytona 500 and can confirm that he is a complete tool.)
When God made Ty Pennington, he basically told all of us to go fuck ourselves. Why should Ty Pennington be despised and physically assaulted wherever he goes, you ask? Because he’s a marketing robot that a bunch of television executives sitting around in a boardroom, brainstorming a way to “Target the younger demographic” came up with. He’s not real and here are five reasons why:
1) EXCLAMATION MARK AT THE END OF EVERY SPOKEN PHRASE!
Tearing down a wall with a sledgehammer is not exciting; it’s work. Even the most innocuous detail is described in play-by-play fashion, with his high-pitch, know it all tone, somewhat reminiscent of a young Alex Trebek, but more similar to a little bitch with her head so far up the teachers ass, she can see breakfast digesting. Everything he says about construction has already been said before by someone who is more knowledgeable.
2) Cutting Edge Vintage Wardrobe
How many carpenters do you know wear Abercrombie while on the job and put pomade in their hair before work? No wonder they give the shit he builds away for free; he sucks.
3) Waif-like Body Structure
Dude, it’s okay to eat more than a cracker and birdseed everyday. Food has these things in it called vitamins. They’re good for you. Your body needs them. You poser. Quit biting Kate
4) Knowledge of Hand Tools
Ty can also operate a circular saw and cut wood into pieces. I know; it’s pretty impressive. Basically, he can do what any living man or beast with eyesight and opposable thumbs can do. The only hand tool that Ty has truly mastered is his dick.
5) Soul Patch
If you hadn’t noticed how cool Ty was by this point the producers of the show pulled out the Trump Card; the Soul Patch. Not only does it show that he’s “down”, but it also gives him immediate street cred with the 18 to 33 year olds and screams, “Screw convention, I’m my own man. No producer has his hand shoved up my ass, pulling the strings! Ty Pennington fingers and fists his own ass, thank you very much!”
Those are the facts. What you do with them is up to you.