Does Philip Rivers Manscape? I Asked Him

Philip Rivers Can't Grow A Beard. But Does Philip Rivers Manscape?

San Diego Chargers QB Philip Rivers Can’t Grow A Beard – But Does He Manscape?

In certain circles, you are not considered a man if you can’t grow a beard. Which is particularly troubling if you’re a man who can’t grow a beard.

This past weekend at a cookout, a 7-year-old I had never met came up to me, with no provocation, and said, “if you can’t grow a beard, you’re not a man.” This kid had no idea that earlier in the day, I spoke to San Diego Chargers quarterback Phillip Rivers about the exact topic of being unable to grow a beard.

So I said to this kid, “Does that mean Phillip Rivers isn’t a man? He’s averaged 28 passing TUDs per season in ten years as a starting quarterback. He led the Chargers to a playoff victory on a torn ACL. He’s been to the Pro Bowl five times. And he can’t grow a beard.”

“Nope, not a man.”

Phillip Rivers can’t grow a beard and it’s something he’s come to accept.

“So many guys on the team have one. I always try every year, but then by like November, it gets so bad. It just looks terrible,” said Rivers. “I try to convince myself it looks pretty good, but then after about 10 ½ weeks I just give up.”

Even though a beard is out of the question, he still has to shave. Which is why he teamed up with Gillette Shave Club. Coincidentally, safety Eric Weddle and his ridiculous beard left at about the same time Rivers partnered with Gillette.

“Yep, he’s gone now or it would’ve been easy,” said Rivers when I asked him to name his worst-groomed teammate. “I was going to say Mike Windt. He’s a long snapper and he’s got a big scruffy beard. Then we signed Matt Slauson, he’s an offensive lineman that has a pretty big beard too. It kind of goes with the bald head he’s got. He could use the Gillette Shave Club for his head, and then grow out his face.”

If Rivers had any choice in the matter, he knows exactly what kind of facial hair he’d grow.

“I think it would just be a really solid moustache. Google ‘Felipe Rios,’ which would be my name in Spanish. There is a moustache that comes up that I wish I could have. And I can’t do it, but it would be so solid.”

Like a person who has lost the use of one of their five senses, and the other four become more amplified, not having a beard has made Rivers more aware of the facial hair around him.

“The number one grooming mistake I see in the locker room is the overuse of hair product. Some guys tend to get carried away with the product in their hair. And the most annoying style of facial hair I see, and I’m sort of amazed is still in use, is the old chinstrap beard – the real thin one that wraps from ear to ear. That just bothers me.”

After beating around the bush long enough, I asked the question I had been putting off – does Phillip Rivers manscape?

“Oh come on Paul! I have to leave something to the imagination! What do you think Von Miller (Denver Broncos linebacker) would say to me at the line of scrimmage if he knew? It’s definitely personal preference. I’m thankful, because I’m not real hairy in general. So, it works out good for me. I don’t see any problem with it at all. Or, why you wouldn’t.”

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I’ve been a freelance journalist since 2000 and have had my work published via AskMen, Sports Illustrated, Bleacher Report, Busted Coverage, and Autotrader. I’ve done stand-up comedy. I'm a dad, youth soccer coach, and team statistician for the oldest indoor football team in the world, the Omaha Beef. I own a design agency in Omaha, NE called little guy design. I’ve married six couples in 10 years and my Marriage to Still Married ratio is 6:6. I always say, it isn’t so much about the “love,” as it is the tasteless jokes that became vows. I started the I-80 Sports Blog to have all the work I've published located in one place and to write about things I want to write about. I don't take anything too seriously and it is a real time saver.