Heartbreakers – Movie Review


“Cute leads to screwing which leads to screwed.”  This is the philosophy that Max (Played by Sigourney Weaver) lives her life by.  This is also the premise behind much of the action in the movie Heartbreakers.  

After getting knocked up at a young age and being forced to raise the child on her own, man-hater Max’s mission in life is to keep her daughter Page (Played by Jennifer Love Hewitt) sheltered from the trauma of a relationship gone awry, and to screw over every “member” of society who happens to possess phallic shaped genitalia.  

The two women make a career of this as Weaver’s character seeks out unassuming, single, rich men and marries them.  Within hours of the marriage, Page enters the picture.  Armed with her prodigious mammories and a complete arsenal of low-cut skirts and halter-tops, she easily coaxes the new husbands second head to think for him.  Just as the male subject gets his hope (And something else) up, Weaver’s character invariably enters the room and assumes the role of grief stricken newly wed.

This is a movie that I would have never seen had I not reviewed it.  The plot itself would have kept me away simply because I’m not a big fan of manipulation or materialistically based action.  The first half hour of this movie was unbearable.  Actually, the first forty-five minutes if I count that damn Josie and The Pussycats preview.  Two words came to mind when I saw that: visual Novocaine.

Anyone who has seen the preview in the movie theater or on television can relate.  Is this what our society has come to?  If that’s the case, why don’t we re-release George S. Scott’s Patton or how about a remake of JD Salinger’s A Catcher in the Rye; something with at least a shred of thought provoking content. Damn the boy bands, its all their fault. Excuse me, I digress.

After the first half hour, it gets interesting.  Enter sucker number one, Dean Cumanno, played by Ray Liotta.  It’s not a total departure from the mobster tough guy we usually see Liotta depict, but it’s more relaxed and humorous.  He’s a professional car chopper from New Jersey with a healthy bank account.  Weaver gets him to marry her without giving it up, and the trap is set.  The next day, Liotta’s secretary (Who happens to be Hewitt, Weaver’s daughter) gets him to take a firm stance on the act of propagation.  Just as the points of contention are brought to the table, Weaver casually and coincidentally catches him in the act.  Marriage over, Weaver and Hewitt split the settlement, and off into the abyss of societal pleasures they roam.  They decide to give up the con game but alas, unforeseen circumstances arise and they allow one more con before retirement.

Enter sucker numero dos, William Tensy, played by Gene Hackman.  Hackman plays an aging tobacco tycoon worth millions of dollars.  He’s from the old school and is convinced that cigarettes pose no health risk. (“Smoking is part of the fun of being young.  We tested that theory on a control group of nine year olds and after some intense vomiting, they couldn’t put the cigarettes down.”)Weaver then assumes the identity of Olga Olavovisch, a Russian immigrant.

She catches Hackman’s eye at an auction and the trap is set.  All the while, Jennifer Love Hewitt is stringing along a catch of her own, trying to prove to her mother that she is independent enough to make it on her own.  Her catch, Jack, is played by Jason Lee and proves to be more than she can handle.  You might remember Lee from Enemy of the State, but if you don’t, you’re just like me.  He puts on a great performance and made the whole movie that much more enjoyable to watch.  He also personified the emotions and thoughts that most men have but never get credit for.  That’s right ladies, men are more emotional, loving, compassionate, and insecure than you realize, so lay off!!

There are also cameos from three SNL alums: Kevin Nealon, Nora Dunn, and Sara Silverman.  Ah, Sara Silverman, why are you so hot?  I am a weak, weak man especially when you make suggestive lesbian references to Jennifer Love Hewitt.  Overall, I was surprised at how funny this movie turned out to be.  There were some great one-liners that really make this movie worth seeing.  Throw in a stirring rendition of Back in the USSR by Sigourney Weaver and you can’t go wrong.  This was a very well written movie if you like a dry, stupid sense of humor.

The opening scene is located in a church at Weaver’s wedding.  As the camera pans down, you catch a glimpse of Mathew 16;24 “What profit would there be for a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul?”  This proves to be the moral of the story, and by the end of the movie the main characters can attest to the validity of the statement.

Heartbreakers will prove to be an enjoyable movie as long as you take it for no more than what it is, entertainment.

I’ve been a freelance journalist since 2000 and have had my work published via AskMen, Sports Illustrated, Bleacher Report, Busted Coverage, and Autotrader. I’ve done stand-up comedy. I'm a dad, youth soccer coach, and team statistician for the oldest indoor football team in the world, the Omaha Beef. I own a design agency in Omaha, NE called little guy design. I’ve married six couples in 10 years and my Marriage to Still Married ratio is 6:6. I always say, it isn’t so much about the “love,” as it is the tasteless jokes that became vows. I started the I-80 Sports Blog to have all the work I've published located in one place and to write about things I want to write about. I don't take anything too seriously and it is a real time saver.